I am waiting for the buzz of the alarm to go off. Waiting for the rush to start. The rush to prepare my food, so I can heat it up in the microwave later. The hurry during my morning workout, the pressure to look good, to find the right outfit, put on a perfect smile and the badass attitude.
Looking around the metro I can easily recognize sulky faces of strangers. People who are heading to their places of work, where they spend more than 8 hours a day, dreading the idea of devoting their time and energy to running on autopilot. Suddenly, a wave of panic kicked in: Do I look exactly like them? Is the same aversion written all over my face? I am pretty damn sure that I am feeling just like that, and I am spiralling down the same direction as they are. (To the corporate hell).
That was the first panic attack in my life and I felt the uncontrollable desire to get out of the train immediately.
Fresh air. Trees. Birds are declaring the arrival of the spring in the city. Everybody is rushing and no one seems to notice the life happening around us. Perhaps they catch a glimpse of it but do not wish to pause and acknowledge the grace of the nature in the hectic centre of Warsaw.
Another way of dread is coming over me. I am sitting in the conference room, bluntly staring at the screen. We are going over the same issues for months, focusing on the repetitive statistics, creating more problems to tackle. I feel numb. I do not care in the slightest about any discussed subjects. Outside the room, I stumble across irritated faces of my co-workers. Near the coffee machine, the crowd has gathered where everybody can express their frustration at the day. Today’s topic is the unreasonable pay raise of some random manager, the workload we are all swamped up with and the general shitty life everyone is fed up with. And all around me I can here the advise: go networking. Sounds fun.
That evening I made a promise to myself: I deliberately choose harmony in my life. I choose freedom. I refuse to criticize and participate in any gossiping. I take the full responsibility for my choices and how I feel.
For far too long I have been paying attention to all the things going wrong in my life, things I wish to change. I have been picking up on areas of my life that make me feel not good enough, miserable. Since that approach has not yielded desirable results, I was motivated enough to dive into new attitude.
Gradually, I began to regard Warsaw as a spot on my map which no longer fits me. I refused to focus upon anything that was bothering me. I have decided to feel grateful for the opportunities that the capital city is able to provide for me and others as well. Grateful for the contrast that has been presented to me throughout the period of living in the city. Grateful for the picture of the reality I do not wish to be part of and no longer have to. I have placed all my trust that I am in the right place, at the right time and that I am going somewhere meaningful. At that time I had no idea: this was the beginning of my awakening.
I am capable of so much. Every. Single. Day. My point of observing the world is solely based on my thoughts. I have the ability to control how I react to events, people around me. Since I know what I do not want, it is only in my power to design the life I wish to experience. That shift of perspective gave birth to the new reality.
I have made the space for the new to come in. I have accepted my “here and now”. To be honest with you, it turned out it wasn’t that difficult to accomplish as alongside the change of my attitude, any uncomfortable situations seemed to dissolve. I began mindfully observing my thoughts. I have literally trained my brain, like the muscle that it is, to focus on the positive. The feeling of discomfort has been replaced with an unshakeable trust in my own guidance: intuition.
My priorities have changed. I started putting myself, my needs and my comfort on the pedestal. I have realized that it is completely adorable to spend time alone and unconditionally acceptable to refuse meeting people just to grant their wishes. Since then, I was determined to hang out with people who inspire me and elevate my energy. As you may expect, some of my relationships started to fade, and I was okay with it. I have re-established old friendships and welcomed new people into my life. (Remember: people and situations will ALWAYS match your vibrations).
There was one in particular relationship that bloomed, so dear to my heart, the relationship with myself. I embraced meditation and yoga as a part of my daily routine. I have changed my lifestyle of eating by choosing fresh and radiant food which nourishes me and gives a hell lot of vitality. My basic philosophy was born: I only want to do good, be good and represent it on every level of my being by consciously giving my time and attention to what makes me feel good. With developing new interests, travelling to new places, my life just got clearer. Sounds like a cliché, doesn’t it? How often do we disregard the essentials in the stampede of the everyday life, in the search of the prosperity, recognition and acceptance form the outside world. I had no desire for anyone’s validation because I have found the most precious one: my own.
The general theme of my life has become one of love and appreciation. Gratitude can really change one’s life as it boils down to changing the perspective on everything. Instead of bringing yourself down with the question: why is this happening to me?, simply switch it to: what it is trying to teach me? I strongly believe that every experience, every encounter is here for us. Never the other way around. Life is always here for us. It truly is a gift.
I became a selfish person, fiercely guarding her energy. Having become extremely tolerant towards life and what it presented me with, I have learnt to accept other people’s point of view, who they are and what they represent. I have discovered to love myself and to cheer on the person I was becoming. Once I cut out toxic people and situations out of my reality (shoutout to home office), I was more energetic, organized and efficient in all aspects of my life.
However, some doubts have always crept in from time to time: Is it normal that I have completely opposite desires than people around me? I can feel how unrelated I am to this work environment. I do not feel the need to prove my worth to anybody by completing yet another task, buying a new pair of shoes. I am not turned on by fake smiles in the corridor or small chit-chats in the kitchen corner.
I felt the pressure, as a young woman, to pursue the possibilities of a big-city life. I felt the pressure to participate in the rat race, to own an apartment, to have fun around the town all night long and work overtime. Just because everyone was doing it.
The thing is, I am not that keen on everybody. I am looking for the truth, the love and the simple joy of being. Money seems to flow everywhere and the shortage lies in the authenticity, trust and the simplicity.
It took me some time to understand this universal truth: the level of my happiness is solely conditioned by my choice. It should have never been controlled by any external events. The happiness is always growing proportionally to one’s own perception of the world. That is why I celebrate the tiniest, insignificant moments in this precious life of mine. I celebrate life in its rawest and purest form. It is me who makes the choice of the road less travelled, just like Robert Frost in his poem. And I have learnt to be proud of my choices. I wish to admire unspoiled scenery, create new stories, but most importantly be myself. We become the most productive when we discover our true value, when we are positively wired.
I do not always have the clear goal towards I am reaching for. I do not always know what is waiting ahead of me. But that is the thing with thrilling adventures, new avenues, innovative projects. And I utterly surrender to the flow of it.
For years, I have been convincing myself that I am striving for the comfort and stability, but the truth is: I am not. I am no longer chasing anything since I have realized that everything is already at my fingertips only if I am willing to acknowledge it.
Freedom to make my own choices about my profession, my clothes, to live the life on my own terms, starts within me. My perception creates my reality.
Since I respect myself, I demonstrate it through my choices.
Since I trust my intuition, I demonstrate it through my words and actions.
Since I believe in my potential I consciously take small steps to establish the bigger picture.
I am in control of my emotions and how I react to the behaviour of others. I decide which path to follow and that is exactly what gives me the feeling of unlimited freedom and completion.
The diversity of experiences provided to us is essential for the preferences to be born within us. Because of the choices I have made, the mistakes I have accomplished, places I have discovered, my dreams began to clarify and shaped the person I am today. There are no shortcuts. If it had not been for my journey, I would have not appreciated the place I am right now. The fast pace of my previous life has stifled my true nature but also the very same pace stimulated me to discover it anew.
The person I was, ideas I have been reaching for, belong to the past and I embrace them with sincere respect. I have educated that young girl and allowed her to develop fully, quiet the mind. Less superficiality, less sparkle, far less illusion. Our souls do not perceive commercials, artificially induced cravings, glamour in the social media. The soul sees only what is real, the soul marvels at sunsets, birds singing at dawn, leaves dancing in the wind and the starry skies.
Paradoxically, despite all the confusion and chaos which accompanied leaving the city, quitting the job, questions coming from my friends and family, I have experienced blissful peace which I have never known before. I am more confident and radiant than ever. That kind of glow cannot be provided by money or any treatments in this world. That glow comes from the inside.
I realize that my growth and expansion is endless and that is my priority in life. The awakening to discrepancies ruling over this world, getting to know oneself and constant growth constitute the undisputed calling of every human being.
I remember the day I submitted my resignation. I was travelling the same tube as for the past couple of years but this time people around me seemed different. Everything was so simple, so light, so bearable. I was not frightened by what was coming next because deep down my inner voice was whispering to me: What is coming is far better than what I am leaving behind.
Life experiences cater so much wisdom. What at first may seem as blockages, usually present themselves as blessings, direction towards desired growth. I am so grateful for all the advantages disguised as broken heart, fake friendships, challenges at work or health issues. I would not have change any single adventure, I would not have escaped any single disappointment. All those occurrences shaped me into who I am today, led me to this stream of thoughts and world view.
My decision has been met with strong criticism from my peers, colleagues and family. Many people do not understand my motives, and they are in no way obliged to do that. I am in no position to care. We are in no obligation to agree to the requirements of others. We do not have to comply to the rules imposed on us. Let’s create our own rules in life without hurting others but with intention to feel satisfied.
Success is not the goal in itself but the process. It is not about the destination but the journey we all embark on. The success is the confidence that whatever I am doing brings joy into my life and the life of those around me. We seldom pluck up the courage to admit our mistakes. We would rather live with the conviction that what we already know is the absolute truth, and it is demanding to accept the novelty. However, when we are faced with the infirmity, when the rage is burning inside us, we surrender, we stumble down. That is exactly the time when we uncover the strength to fight for our dreams. Let’s accept the fact that different religions, contrasting views, unique paths exist which always have one thing in common – change.